Posts Tagged 'comedy'

Optimal dating through pipelining and fixed-sized instructions

Many of us have tried dating through structured services such as speed dating or online dating, only to find massive numbers of defective individuals in the social landscape. While this discourages many, it excites me, as it gives me a chance to perfect, document, and publish my “optimal dating strategy.”

This all began when I started analyzing CPU design and assembly instructions, which I studied in college years ago. Without going into the details of the, P and H Classic , in short, if you want to accomplish tasks quickly:

  1. Make sure that each task takes a predictable, and preferably fixed, amount of time.
  2. Break each task down into steps, so you can begin working on the next task after part of the previous one is finished.

The classic example is “laundry.” To do laundry, you must wash, dry, and fold/iron. Each step might take about thirty minutes. Let’s say you have many loads of laundry to do. If you start washing the second load after the first load goes into the dryer, and start washing the third load while drying the second and folding the third, you’re “filling the pipeline” and effectively finishing a single load every thirty minutes instead of every ninety. This is relatively intuitive to most people, but it’s often not applied as often as it could be in everyday situations.

Given my frustration with women my age, I asked myself, “There’s got to be a woman out there who’s right for me. Why not try to date as many women as possible with as little time, expense, and frustration as possible? That way, I am more likely to find one that works out in a relatively shorter amount of time. (I didn’t consider the encounters on “speed dating” to be real dates, just introductions with not much promise of anything more.)

How can I accomplish this?” My solution strategy was two fold:

  1. I simply assumed that most women I met would only want to go out with me once or twice. Therefore, after a women I met online or through speed dating agreed to go out with me, before we even met, I started working on finding another one to talk to and set up a date with.*
  2. I went on the exact same date with each woman.

I realized that I enjoyed going to a certain comedy club in Boston. The show cost nine dollars, drinks were about five, and there was a bar right around the corner that had more drinks, dessert, and coffee. It was an ideal date spot because:

  1. I knew it took exactly 38 minutes to get there from work, and I could always get a cheap parking spot at the garage at the T.
  2. I knew the policy for getting tickets in advance, dress code, etc…
  3. I knew I could get a table at the place around the corner without worrying about a bouncer, loud noise, etc…
  4. All of this would be done in plenty of time to get back on the T to go home at the end of the night.

Instead of trying a new restaurant that might suck and be overpriced, a new club that was impossible to get into or had no reliable parking nearby, or something offbeat and unexpected, like a night at the batting-cages that might turn out to be more tragic or ironic or unexpected in a “bad” way, since it’s likely that the person I’m meeting is going to completely flake out on me, why not arrange a meeting I have complete control over? Worst case scenario, I’m guaranteed to spend no more that $40 and will be home in time to watch a Seinfeld rerun.

So began this experiment. I was surprised how much I enjoyed it. The comics were mostly different each night, so that part was fun, and I could pretend like I was a sophisticated Boston guy who “knew the nightlife scene.” Little did anyone ever know that I knew the nightlife scene because I was training to be an anal-retentive social-scientist weirdo rather than a suave “guy who just knew all the right places.”

All of the quirks about the club made for great conversation starters. I made sure to vary my words whenever I told one of a dozen funny stories for the thirtieth time to make sure I didn’t sound like I was doing so. If the date were especially bad, I’d know just how to get the wait staff’s attention to get the check. It was so easy, that no matter how much I didn’t like the person I was with, I knew exactly how to conduct the evening, so I could pretty much zone out until it was convenient to end the night. I even had the exact same trendy outfit picked out in advance for each date. Hey, I’m unlikely to ever see them again, right? Why bother worrying about picking something out when I can find a winning outfit just once and reuse it?

If the weather was warm, I switched to mini-golf, often for the second date, if there was one. This is where I really started to go crazy in optimizing my every move. I had a standard mini-golf outfit picked out as well, for starters. Mini-golf is great, because it’s extremely predictable. Consequently, after the first few dates there, I won every single game. I even knew the little ways to cheat on each hole. After showing each woman the way to cheat, if they laughed, I knew I was on the right track. They serve really good ice cream at the mini-golf place I like, so if she laughed at my stunts from earlier, I knew I could ask if she wanted to get ice cream after the eighteenth hole. If she said “no,” then that was a great indicator that she wasn’t interested in anything else, so I didn’t have to worry about calling in a few days.

I highly recommend using the “part-two-optional date extension” move to judge a date’s interest level rather than trying for a kiss at the end of the night, since most women are so damn weird and paranoid about what rules to follow or break here. Why bother risking feeling awkward if you know where you stand in advance?

All of this conveniently fit into a spreadsheet, but I won’t post that 🙂

One side benefit to my “ideal dating strategy,” besides the convenience and efficiency, is that it gives a fairer benchmark as to what someone is really like. If the situation that you meet someone in is different every time, it’s harder to judge if they’re the kind of person you can get along with. For example, if your date seems nervous and distracted, is it because she doesn’t like you, or is it because you decided it would be fun to go skydiving on your first date?

I went through about forty-five women this way throughout last summer and fall. A couple of them didn’t fit into my strategy (see my last post about Kelly, but overall, as I hoped, I got through all of it with considerably less expense, time, and frustration than with “traditional” dating.

Of the forty-five women, I think I liked about eight of them, and of those eight, only one wanted to see me more than a couple of times.

I did finally end up meeting someone who worked out. We’ve been together for over a year, and she’s so terrific, I feel a little bad that she initially was part of my “ideal dating strategy” experiment. I told her about it, though, and she didn’t mind—she just felt bad that I had to put up with all those other crappy women.

*A woman who wants a third date could be seen as a pipeline “stall”http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Instruction_pipeline

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